How I Became a Dude with a Nosejob

  
i know what you’re thinking right? This guy…. he’s so vain.  A nosejob? Seriously? I used to like this guy til he went all Kardashian talking nosejobs.  Let me tell you how this went down….

When I was in 5th grade, I was doing what every normal 5th grader was doing, playing kickball.  So there I was, in the outfield, playing the gap like I was Griffey or something.  I looked over at my buddy Ben and gave him a nod as if to say “we got this.” At least that’s how I imagined it.  I grew up playing baseball since I was 5, so it’s probably not far from the truth.  The ball was rolled in and out it came, right in the gap.   With the blazing speed of a cheetah and the reflexes of a mongoose, I took off towards the gap.  Problem was, so did Ben.  I was right there and then…..his forehead met my nose at full speed.   I went to the doctor that night and he said nothing was broken.  A few weeks later, I went back for a second opinion because my nose was not supposed to look crooked.  After the X-ray, they concluded I had a green stick break.  This basically means my nose didn’t actually break at all but it was bent.  They told me I couldn’t get it fixed til I was 18. Something about the bones still growing blah blah blah.  Obviously I wasn’t in any hurry because I didn’t get it fixed til I was 21.  I was far too busy playing a sport every season and then playing baseball in college.  When I finally decided I would get it fixed, they said my septum was so deviated, it was pretty much closed off.  Thus marked the beginning of my nosejob.  A septorhinoplasty they called it.  That basically means they had to rebreak my nose, straighten it out, and shave off the calcium deposit that was left on the bridge of my nose.  This also meant anesthesia.  My parents told me the story of me crying when I came out of it asking, “they didn’t make me look like Michael Jackson did they?!”  True story.

To this day, I will still get random nosebleeds if it’s really dry outside.  The slightest bump from my daughter will cause a steady flow as well.  I use nasal spray far more often than I should.   I justify it in that I have two choices, “breathe” or “not breathe”…sorry but I choose breathe.  All in all, I can breathe much better now.  Being able to breathe out of both nostrils is much better than just one.  

The moral of this story is….even the manliest of men can get a nosejob.  Especially if it came as a result of the most manliest of games, kickball.  To any of the men out there reading this, tell me you wouldn’t join in on a game of kickball right now.   I know you would.  It’s ok. No shame in that.  Your man card just earned a gold star. AROO!

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