Why Do Men Work Out? The REAL Answer

I tried explaining this to my wife and she just couldn’t understand.  Maybe you have to be a guy to understand this.  I want to explore the answer to the question, “why do men work out?”  I’m not interested in a surface-y type of answer.  Deep, deep down, why do men work out?  Here are my thoughts.

Way back in the days of the creation of man, the inner workings of the brain, the conglomeration of synapses to what makes men tick began to take shape.  Back in those days, it was man vs man. Man vs. beast.  Man vs everything.  Men were the providers, the top dog, and the protectors.  I think that some of these attributes carry over today.  What man doesn’t want to be alpha?  Maybe you aren’t alpha of the world, but maybe you are alpha of your own little group.  Guys want to be the best at something, They just do.  Deal with it.  If you ask a guy, “why do you work out?”  You’ll probably get a multitude of answers.  “I DO IT FOR ME!”  Yes, that’s true, but why? Really, why? There is the ever so popular, “because I want to look good naked”.  There’s “to pick up chicks bro (high fives any guy within five feet).”  Then there’s the “I’m in training for ___________.”  There’s also “ummm crossfit….because crossfit.”  I can say that because I love crossfit.  But the answer to the perplexing question goes much deeper than this. The answer lies in how we compare ourselves to others.

Let’s talk a walk down hypothetical lane.  Me and my buddy walk into a gas station in a strange town.  We walk in, I make my way over to check if they stock Cheerwine, they don’t, so I grab the Muscle Milk in chocolate because it tastes amazing and I need my protein fix.  I’m parched, so I make my way up to the line.  As I walk up, I wait for my buddy to meet up with me because that’s the polite thing to do.  As I’m standing there, I notice a dude looking at me with a stank eye.  I glance over my shoulder because I’m sure he wasn’t looking at me, I didn’t even do anything.  But there is no one behind me.  So two thoughts enter my mind.  The first thought is “can I take this guy?”  Now before everyone jumps on me with the whole “why does everything have to be so violent with guys?!”  Hear me out.  There are a million scenarios on why this guy could be looking at me.  There are 999,998 in which he doesn’t want to fight me.  I’m not concerned about those. I don’t get hurt in those.  I’m concerned about the scenario in which he wants to fight me.  So why do I work out?  I need to make sure that if that scenario ever happens, I can take this guy.  I size this guy up in my mind in a matter of 0.2 seconds.  In the female world, this equates to the 0.2 seconds leading up to “is my butt smaller than hers?”  I can then come to the conclusion that a) I can take this guy, or b) I can’t take this guy.  Now I’m sure you noticed by now that I said 999,998 but I only mentioned one scenario.  The other scenario is that he doesn’t want to fight me, he wants to fight my friend.  Why? I don’t know.  Maybe my buddy looked at him funny in the parking lot.  It’s irrelevant.  If this scenario is true, the thought process is a little different.  You still have to consider if you can take this guy.  You don’t want to be the guy who runs away like a little girl while his buddy gets randomly attacked in a shady gas station.  But let’s say he wants to attack BOTH of you….with four of his friends.  Now it is not a matter of “can I take them?”  It is now a matter of “can I outrun my buddy?”  This is quite possibly life and death.  Of course this scenario only happens if your friend decides to run too.  If he doesn’t run and wants to fight, well, looks like I’m getting hurt today. Let me summarize – “can i take him?” “can I outrun you?”

Maybe this is all satirical.  Maybe this is scientific fact based on years of study. I am a psychology major after all.  Maybe we will never know.  One thing is for sure, you’ll laugh the next time you see two dudes look at each other at a gas station. AROO!

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P.S. This is my best “Fight Club” looking pic

Kids Say the Most Hilarious Things

I’ve been wanting to do a post on this for the longest time. Frankly, because the things my daughter says crack me up. She is hilarious. Most of the time she doesn’t mean to be. The things that come out of her mouth are so innocent, yet they are so funny. When you have a four year old, these verbal gems are plentiful. I’ll try to think back in time and play through the Jocelyn highlight reel. So here are just a few examples of her comedic innocence.

  • When I was a manager at Chick-fil-A, I walked through our local parade as one of the cows. The problem was, no one wanted to be the girl cow so I volunteered. No one could see my face anyway right? Upon finishing the parade, my daughter runs up to me…”Daddy! You were the girl cow! You are a sissy!”
  • Riding in the car on the way home from a trip, I hear flatulence rip from the back carseat. I whip around, “Jo was that you?!” Jo looks down at her stuffed animal cat and says, “No, it was the cat. (she looks at the cat sternly) I am not happy about this!”
  • Jo walks up to me and my wife and says, “Mommy, Daddy, I want a baby brudder.” Why she said brudder and not brother i’m not sure, I think she was trying to be cute. “Well we can’t just get a baby brother sweetheart.” “Yes we can. Lets just go to Toys ‘R Us and get one.”
  • We stopped at Chick-fil-A this past weekend on the way home from our Spartan Race, she looks up at the cashier and tells her we saw a bumper sticker that said “I pooped today.” She kinda mumbled through the whole bumper sticker part, so basically the cashier heard her exclaim with much joy, “I pooped today.”
  • Getting out of the shower, I was of course shirtless. I had shorts on. She looks at me and says, “Daddy, you have fake boobies, mommy has real boobies.”
  • I get home from work the other day, the first thing that Jo tells me is “Hannah (her cousin) likes the smell of poop.” First thing! No hi daddy! Nothing!
  • A couple weeks ago, I gave Jo a huge hug and being the uplifting, nourishing Dad that I am, I ask her, “How did you get to be so cute?” “Well I took some of Riley’s (her other cousin) cutes. He’s 7, he doesn’t need them anymore.” To be fair, Riley is a cute kid.
  • Getting ready to leave the house for work the other day, Jo runs out to me, “Daddy hold on! I got to give you some cutes!” So I took the fake cutes and put them down the collar of my shirt. I do that because I put them in my heart of course. She promptly corrects me. “NO!!! That was a chewy cute! You’re supposed to eat it!”
  • “Why does your daughter have a pad sticking out of her underwear?” ‘Nuff said.
  • My daughter likes to call bras “boobies.” Where she got this from, I don’t know. We will be walking through a department store and walk by the training bras in the kids department. “Look! Little boobies!”
  • At the Spartan Race this past weekend…”Daddy, why did it take you so long to run your race?” “Well because Daddy had to run up the mountain a lot of times.” “It didn’t take me that long, i’m faster than you.”
  • I’ve recently been obsessed with the One Man Thrill Ride on Youtube. If you haven’t watched his videos and are into fitness, check him out, he’s hilarious. Keep in mind, he is a personality so everything he does is very exaggerated. One of the things he does is flex his bicep and go MMMmmmmMMMMmmmmmPOW! So I started doing it when I was working out to be silly and make Jo laugh. Now Jo does it and it’s hilarious. Just ask her to show you her muscle and she flexes up that little python and yells MMMMMMMMMPOW! So we were at a family get together the other day because my cousins were supposed to be in town. You probably heard of them, they were in town because my cousins daughter was throwing out the first pitch with her robotic hand for the Orioles. It was all over the news. Anyway, we were eating lunch and Jo was eating beside my great aunt Shirley. Shirley is like 80, she’s old ok? She can barely hear anything. You tell her something and she’s like “huh?” and leans closer to hear you say it again. Well Jo was talking to her about something, I don’t remember what it was. Of course Shirley couldn’t hear her. “Huh?” So then I hear Jo ask her, “you wanna see my muscle?” Shirley, of course, says “huh?” and leans closer. MMMMMMMPPOOOOOWWWWW!!!! Scared Shirley half to death. HaHa!!!
    I’m sure I could think of a lot more. I need to start writing these down as they happen. I’m sure a lot of you have some funny stories from your kids! Feel free to share them in the comments! I’d love to read them! AROO!